February 18, 2011

February 18,2011

Yi Vannary is my Administrative assistant and has been with me from the start of Tabitha Cambodia. When I first met Nary she was deeply traumatized by the events of her life. In order to help Nary regain some sense of normalcy back then, I had her tell me about her life. Today we reminisced about parts of her life’s journey for Nary was telling me how she is sharing the vision of Nokor Tep Women’s Hospital with her friends.

After the fall of the Khmer Rouge, Nary, like so many Cambodia women, was all alone – she was the sole surviving member of her family. At that time, there were rumors of single women being raped and brutalized. She was very frightened and desperately looked for a family to join. This is how she met her husband and her mother-in-law. They married out of necessity and fear. Nary related how her experience with sex and childbirth happened.

I was 14 when the Khmer Rouge took over Cambodia and I lived under this regime for 3 years, 4 months and 27 days. When freedom came, I was 18 years old and there were so many stories of single women being raped and killed by the soldiers - so I married the first man who would have me. No one told me about sex or what it meant to be married, My mother didn’t tell me and my mother-in-law didn’t tell me. That first night my husband and I slept together – he put his leg over me – I thought what is he doing? So I pushed him away. He did it again and again I pushed him away. Then he put his arm over me and I thought, what a restless sleeper – and so heavy – so I pushed him away again. But he continued until it happened – it was so painful and so disgusting – I didn’t know what he was doing.

I became pregnant and when it was time for the baby to be born, my husband and his mother brought me to a clinic and left me. The doctor came and said – take off your underwear – I was only 19 and no one told me what to expect. I thought he was very rude and I was so scared that he wanted to rape me so I got up and ran away. I didn’t know where to go and it was raining so hard. My pain was very bad. Finally I sat down under a street light and the baby came out. It was raining and dark, I was so afraid, I didn’t know what to do and so I cried and cried until morning came. That first baby was so alien to me – I didn’t understand what had happened, I didn’t know what to do.  A woman came by and helped me back home.

I had three children with my husband – while I was giving birth to the third child, he disappeared.  My mother in law never told me what happened to him – I was sent away from her house and for years lived in squatters areas – so very poor – no one to help me – but each night I came home from work – I kissed my children. A few years ago my husband returned – he had gone to France where he married two other women – now he wanted me back – but I didn’t want him. It’s been so hard. I never want another man – no more husbands for me.

I would like to say that Nary’s experience is unusual but sadly, it isn’t. In Cambodian culture, a woman’s role is to do as she is told without questions and without recourse. To talk about intimate relationships is fiercely frowned upon. As a result, many women suffer from all kinds of injuries from sex gone badly and births unattended.  Severe vaginal infections, prolapsed uteruses, fistulas, and so much more –are the norm here – not the rare occasions.  Nokor Tep is so needed, Nary said, no woman should suffer as I did. It’s not right!

Janne

February 12 2011

February 12 2011 

Today I met a woman – a nurse and a lay person – whose life’s work is to bring comfort to the poorest that are ill. As we were talking, she said to me, we don’t help any woman over 50 years of age if they have cancer. I almost choked. I replied, I am 62 years of age and have just finished my major treatment for breast cancer – if I hadn’t gone to Singapore, you would have written me off! Paula’s response was immediate. I can only help so many women, she said. Cancer treatment is expensive and difficult to find. I have to use my own money. The women coming here are women whom are very poor and do not have the resources to pay for treatment. By the time they come here, they have sold all that they own. They are young women with young children. Even if the treatment just gives them a few more years, the children have their mother for that time.

We talked some more. Most of the women that come, she said, are fourth stage cancer. Their pain is horrific and they are desperate for help. You know Janne, they all want to live – it doesn’t matter whether they are rich or poor –they all desperately want to live and so they sell everything – sometimes even their own children at a chance to find medicine, a cure and most often release – release from the pain.

She introduced me to a young woman of 26 – she was very ill – she was living her last weeks – away from home and all those she loved – but it was better this way she said. I have no money – we have sold everything. It is better this way.

I was saddened – she still had great beauty. What would it be like to die away from her children, her family – how sad it must be. Then we talked to an 18 year old, ill with breast cancer. She had chemo yesterday and was feeling nauseous. How many, I asked, are so young? Paula’s response was sad – too many she said – Cambodia has a young population after all those years of conflict. The treatment is not always the best and it costs so very much. Even paying $2.00 for a mat to lay on in the hospital is beyond their ability to pay.

We talked about Nokor Tep’s Women’s Hospital. Paula was so enthusiastic – we need it so badly. There are so many women who need the help. I will provide a safe haven for any woman you have that needs treatment and time. Just bring the hospital.

I shared with her our vision for education and prevention – helping women to understand their bodies better, of helping them to detect early signs of not only cancer but other diseases’ – Paula’s response was – just imagine if we could bring all women’s cancers down to first stage treatable and hopeful. Can you imagine, she said, of the children who would have their moms and the husbands who would have their wives – how good that would be. 

I shared with Paula of those who said, but how expensive this would be. Paula’s response touched me – you tell then she said – love is never expensive – if freely given. You get so much back – a smile, a touch, a hug and sometimes you give life itself. What price should we put on that?   

I met a woman today – a woman of compassion and love – a woman like minded in so many ways – a woman’s whose passion is mine. Nokor Tep Woman’s Hospital has become our vision. Hopefully it will become yours as well.

Janne